Visiting Prison

Prisons are so cold and insensitive. I feel as if I'm a prisoner. Does anyone care? Do they know I ache inside? The waiting is long. The day is lengthy. I ponder what to say as we share popcorn from the vending machine. Wanting to grab my loved one and flee out the door. The young children seek out play mates and at the end of the visit they have become friends. We all observe their youthfulness and joy and it gives our visit some enlightenment. I sit and observe the others visiting their loved one. The hurts and disappointments are apparent in their faces. The stresses of being a single parent have taken a toll on them.

I have to pray before I come. Without God beside me, it would be unbearable. Tears flow before and after my visit. I think of the years I will have to visit and it overwhelms me. I will take it one visit at a time.

PRAYER: God, give me the strength and peace to make it through this visit.

"Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

Why Me?

Why me Lord? Why does my child have to be in prison? It's a question that stays on my mind. If I knew the answer, maybe it would be easier to embrace. I interceded in prayer daily for my child, before this occurred. Why were my prayers denied?

I had dreams for my child. I desired to see him graduate from high school and go on to college. There are answers, which may never come. I choose to believe there is a reason for it all. Maybe it was a way of saving my child's life. If he didn't go to prison, would he still be alive?

PRAYER: Lord, help me to make some sense of this situation.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

There Are Others who have Tread Through Rougher Waters

I heard a woman's dreadful ordeal on television. It was startling. Her faith and trust in God were still intact. Would I have her faith? I'm not the only one in pain. It knocked me out of my self-pity. I'm starting to look outside of my self-imposed wall. I'm not the only one hurting. Focusing on others will assist me in removing my self-pity. What I have experienced will one day encourage someone. I'll have a comforting word for someone.

Awful circumstances happen to decent people. Others have gone through deeper trenches. That doesn't mean my pain is insignificant. Their strength, courage and peace give me the comfort of knowing I will survive. Being a child of God doesn't mean my life will be smooth sailing. There will be upheavals. It's just a part of life's journey. I'm blessed to have Jesus carrying me through the rough waters.

PRAYER: What would my life be like without You as my Lord and Savior

"Reach down your hand from on high, deliver me and rescue me from the mighty waters." Psalm 144:7

The Neighborhood

Walking home in my neighborhood is difficult. It seems like everyone is looking out the windows or standing on the corners whispering. Does everyone know that my loved one has been arrested? Maybe it's all in my mind. Those days of walking home in solitude are over.

I refuse to pretend that I'm not hurting. I don't have the energy to pretend. It's not worth it. I'm not the first person who has gone through this experience and I won't be the last. Maybe someday I will be there to support someone else who will have to walk through this valley. I'll just be myself today. Maybe this will give someone else in this neighborhood the courage to remove his or her mask of pretense.

PRAYER: Lord, help me to see that only what You think of me matters.

"He has watched over your journey through this vast desert." Deuteronomy 2:7

Whatever, Lord!

My will has been tested these last years. I have my opinion of how my life should be and God has His plan for my life. Whose plan will I choose? I have decided to go with God's blueprint. I would at times like to change the design. I have thrown my hands up and said "Whatever, Lord! Whatever you want for my life. Whatever journey I have to go through. I surrender my will." It has been freeing. I don't have to try and figure out the present or the future. I just have to do my part that God leads me to do, sit back and accept the outcome.

I surrendered my will to God's will. I still don't understand why my son had to end up in prison. I may never understand. I'm not asking the why questions as often. I've decided to allow God to use me for His glory in this situation.

PRAYER: Whatever, Lord!

I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." Galatians 2:20

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